Before this blog was titled differently. I wanted to be the homemaker of a “Wholesome Home”… and it has been nearly two years since I posted on this most loved blog of mine…
I understood two years ago that expertise was not required to grow healthy children and nurture a marriage. But I failed to understand that perfection and purity is also not required to have a home that is “wholesome” or even beautiful.
And when something evil destroys your sense of “wholesome” you are not made a fake when “wholesome” was your goal and self-given label. Your wounds and scars do not destroy your “purity” in the eyes of God. I realize that now. But your ability to be a ‘wholesome woman and mother’ is lost in the eyes of the world. And so I hid and I let evil take away the joy I find in writing.
In such a dark and fallen world not all of us grow up in a healthy or nurtured environment. So if you come from “damaged” can you make your home for your own children “wholesome” or do your scars make that impossible?
If your current family is fractured, broken, torn apart or battered down by the evils of the world can you not still try your hardest to make it a safe, wholesome, loving place for your children? Even when you’re still in pain? Even when you’re still fighting that evil every day?
Something evil done to you does not define you… And I am trying to feel that sentence in my soul. But it is hard. And that is my truth.
I’ve discovered that despite what the world may believe, wholesome does not mean unblemished. It doesn’t even mean whole.
There is room for scars. And I am learning to accept my new scars and face my old ones…
and even to find beauty in them.
So I shed my desperate desire to be “whole” and “pure” and “good” which came from my inability to be so as a child. Only God is good anyway and I am good enough for Him. God is the light, not us. And He can’t shine through us if we hide away.
So I discard “Wholesome” like a sad, tattered dream and I embrace “Healing” as that is what I am now. A process that will never end, I fear. Not for me. Not in this world.
So here is my old site description, a tad updated to what it should say presently:
Find here the adventures of a woman trying hard to make her house a home; humbly serving the Lord; providing her family with real, fresh, whole foods; teaching her children to be unconditionally kind, responsible, ethical people; Trying to want to heal an incredibly broken marriage, which may break apart anyway; working to keep God at the center of it all and trying so hard to find herself again somewhere in the process of being everyone’s glue.
One event that changed our family forever and inspired this blog is detailed in the post SIDS and Saving Grace.